I recently read an article by Peter Bregman that concerned the importance of listening if you wish to be able to persuade others (“If You Want People to Listen, Stop Talking”). He makes a couple of interesting points:
Listening to what others are saying is a greater source of influence than speaking.
Only by remaining quiet and really listening to what someone is saying can you gain insight into their perspective and, more importantly, the factors that lie beneath their comments. It is these ‘hidden’ factors that are often more important to consider than the points they have made.
By contrast, simply waiting them out so that you can then argue your own point is usually fruitless. As Bregman states:
“.. arguing does not change minds — if anything, it makes people more intransigent.”
Make it clear that you have considered what the other person has said before voicing your own thoughts.
People are more likely to give your opinions consideration if you respect them and what they have to say.
How often have you been speaking to someone else and are aware that they are not really listening to what you are saying, they are simply waiting until you stop talking so that they can speak. How do you feel when that happens, and how likely are to take on board their point of view if it differs from your own?
Be prepared to change your view based on the insights you gain from another person’s perspective, and give them the credit for this change.
Bregman cites a very persuasive managing director who, before giving his opinion, would actively acknowledge his colleagues’ views by relating what they had said, and the factors he believed underpinned them, to the larger goal at hand. This led his colleagues to listen carefully to what he had to say and, because his comments took into account their opinions, they were often inclined to give greater credence to his viewpoint.
So how can you improve your listening, learning and influencing skills? A number of things spring to mind:
1) Dissociate your point of view from yourself, and other people’s opinions from the individuals who hold them.
If you consider your views to be an extension of yourself then any opinion that conflicts with your view can be seen as a personal criticism. By contrast, viewing opinions as hypothesis that are there to be tested makes it easier to listen carefully to other people’s views and modify your thoughts if necessary.
2) Give other people the respect and consideration that you demand for yourself.
Such respect includes ensuring that they feel safe to give their point of view without being ignored or ridiculed.
3) Recognise that everyone sees the world in a different way and that these differing perspectives carry with them the possibility of new insights.
By developing a sense of curiosity about how someone comes to a particular standpoint you will start to identify some of the factors that are shaping their thinking. These factors can help you to think about the situation in a new way, which may or may not alter your views on the matter.
4) Enhance your listening through close observation.
Behavioural studies indicate that more than half of the meaning we take from someone derives from non verbal communication. By observing a person’s body language when they are speaking you can gain a lot of information about how much investment they hold in a view and their level of confidence in the comment. This can help you to deal with other people’s comments in an appropriate and respectful way.
If you would like to read Peter Bregman’s full article follow this link: https://hbr.org/2015/05/if-you-want-people-to-listen-stop-talking
Mike Pollitt is an Executive Coach with True Progress Limited. He is a Master Practitioner of NLP and an NLP Coach. For more information about Mike or True Progress visit: www.trueprogresscoaching.com
Mike has over 20 years experience working in complex global organisations, during which time he has…
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