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03.11.2014
The rules of arguing
There are rules to arguing I hear you question! Well, yes there are. I could inform you of ways to remove arguments from your lives forever...but that's another article so for now let me introduce to you the rules for arguing.
firstly you need to understand that arguments occur because the message intended to be sent can be misconstrued by the reciever. Let's focus on the rules for misinterpreted messages.
lets give this some context.
'I'm tired. Can you make the tea?'
'im tired too and I made the tea last night!'
Typical household goings on I think.
Rule one
Arguments occur after misunderstanding and as you can see above, the intended message has been misunderstood. It's ok to be misunderstood wit what you do immediately afterwards is what will count.
rule two
arguments occur depending on the mood, mind set or expectations of each individual. The simple phrase above could have been taken very differently but because the second person was harbouring moods from past events, the context has been overlooked...which brings us to rule three
rule three
dont bring past events or emotions into play in a current argument. The example demonstrates this well and is a very common aspect of heightening and prolonging an argument. It is done as part of a defensive mechanism in those people who at the time felt hard done to but made a choice to stay quiet at the time and only chose to bring up the point when feeling threatened by a similar instance. This strategy is totally unfair to both parties as the reason for the current argument gets lost and the focus becomes the past and you know what, you can't change the past so energy is wasted leading to even more frustrations.
rule four
thr words we use really allow the other person to understand and connect when we ACTIVELY listen and paraphrase. (Paraphrasing is feeding back to the other what was just said in your own words to clarify the message). So 'I'm feeling tired, can you make the tea' is really two messages. Firstly sharing emotions and secondly a command. The problem with this combination is they don't go well together but the sender assumes by informing one of a negative emotion, there will be less impact of the command...but the opposite happens. Although we initially feel concerned or empath towards the person who says they are tired, once we hear the command, that empathy go out of the window.
rule five
take ownership for the words you say and if the other person gets defensive you eed to ask yourself why. In this context we are sharing things about ourselves yet at times the information we have in our head that we wish to share can become distorted by the time it comes out of our mouths. We internally commucate visually (create images and movies in our heads) audibly (self talk) and kinaesthetically (emotions, feelings). If we aren't tuned into these methods, a mixed message can be externally communicated causing confusion.
rule six
never leave an argument unresolved. Going away allows you and the others person to harbour and manifest what's been said in a negative way that creates barriers and assumptions usually leading to frostiness and broken relationships. Yes time will heal but things are not easily forgotten and if you don't resolve the argument it may come up again as in rule three...which isn't fair.
rule seven
apologies go a long way to resolving arguments. People commucate because they want to be understood because at heart we are all very social creatures and when social situations are awkward and negative we withdraw as a defense mechanism. The golden rule is to apologise for not understanding the information presented to you which is very different to apologising for not wanting to make tea. Communication is always a two way process and as mentioned in rule five, we don't always send the message intended.
so there you go...how to resolve arguments. Please comment and connect with me if this topic is of interest of you.
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